The Urge To Smoke

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’ve had two coffees today but I’m itching to smoke to take this edge off. Obviously I wouldn’t actually smoke but fucking hell, sometimes it takes extra willpower to remain looking calm.

Honestly, if there was one thing I could do without consequence, I would pick smoking cigarettes. It’s a fake kind of relaxation but it worked. Or maybe I was willingly killing myself slowly and had embraced that path I had chosen.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and I actually have plans to do something instead of sit around at home and pretend to sleep when sleep doesn’t come. I need to be productive because my anxiety gets worse the less I challenge it. I must stimulate my mind and push to get better because believe it or not, there are times when I wish I could be a little more normal and a little less me.

With ultra regret,

Me.

Probably No One Has Been Perscribed Anti-Depressants This Fast!

Yesterday was less stressful than I thought. I guess your body and mind know when it’s time to man up and be an adult with problems that need solving.

I took the bus, there was one in my neighborhood that oh-so-conveniently passed right by the medical center I was going to.

The bus ride was uneventful and so was the time I spent waiting in this desolate waiting room. Let me paint you a picture; imagine a hallway, filled with sad posters that tell you to cover you mouth when you cough. There’s a distant drilling noise since it’s not just a mental health clinic, it’s an everything clinic and there’s a person having their teeth drilled by (hopefully) a dentist.

The appointment itself was painless. It’s not like I have anything against psychiatrists, I just never thought I’d be the one needing one since I’m so in charge of my life.

The woman was neutral, the beginning was awkward since she asked me why I’m here and what my deal is. It’s awkward confirming that you have problems, or at least it is for me. Sitting there and talking about myself to a person that has no idea about me is strange.

To cut a long story short (my appointment took around half an hour), it was decided that therapy and medication would help me out most. I literally just took my first dose of Prozac, so that’s that. I don’t know how this will change me, but she also perscribed me a light anti-anxiety sleeping pill which helped me sleep last night. I hadn’t been sleeping for a week, so this was a welcome change.

Anyway, I’m curious about how all this will change me, since I’ve lived almost half my life depressed. It’s never been as crippling as it has felt the past few weeks but it’s been a constant companion.