Planning My Holidays

I’ve allowed myself a much needed break from my current reality and I’ve been excitedly (as excited as I can get) planning my escape.

My family has a summer house where I spent every single summer as a child there, swimming and being young. We usually used to stay there for 2 months, sometimes more. It’s a much different story now that I’m an adult, thinking back on how much fun I used to have.

To be honest, I avoided going there because the good memories were just too overwhelming, they were a stark contrast to what my life feels like now. The happy memories remind me how easy it is to lose everything you love and how a good place can turn into a place that haunts you.

Despite the deep, fucked-up and prolonged trauma I have, my summer house is capable of giving me new, happy memories.

I spent some time there with my best friend, before the summer and we had so much fun exploring and being in the moment because I guess she’s caught up with the future and I’m stuck in the past… how ironic.

Anyway, I’m planning my trip, I’ll be leaving as soon as possible, probably around the 15th of August.Hopefully, my friend will be able to come for a couple of days. I’ll try and rent a bicycle so I can go around the island and explore a bit more. I don’t know, I’m trying to be spontaneous!

She May Or May Not Approve Of This Post

I have a friend, my best friend, she’s been mentioned in a lot of my posts directly or indirectly and she’s my best friend, you know… the kind of friend that doesn’t judge your fascinations about serial killers or questions your inherent fear of the subway. She’s the only friend I have and I currently don’t want any more of them.

It’s no secret to me or her online followers that she’s suicidal and depressed. Her blog is scarily candid about the shit that goes through her head.

The first time she posted about her contemplating suicide, she told me not to read it. When she finally gave me permission to view her mysterious post, it was like a rug pulled beneath my feet. Here I thought she was just strange and the dark but hilarious jokes we shared were all fun and games. Nope, it was a way for her to share her reality and I hadn’t seen through that.

This universe that was thrust upon me was scary and uncertain. This person who is fearless and beautiful and so unique doesn’t really want to keep on living and I had no clue about it.

I called her and pretended to be cool about it.

Like… “Oh, hey… I just read your post. Is this true? Why are you rehearsing your suicide? Please call me whenever you feel like this!”

I was trying to be calm and adult about it. I had never really been in a situation quite like this. I had to google stuff and try not to sound like a cliche cunt while throwing inspirational words at her face, like keep on living, it’s worth it etc.

 

Truth is, I don’t know how she does it. I can’t imagine how it feels but it seems vulnerable and I’m sure she feels useless at times by accepting help. She was looking for a confidante to share her suicide with but in reality found someone who would stop her and force her to do something she never thought of doing, getting professional help.

It was never an option not to help her. If I could, I’d be even more involved but she doesn’t let me. She thinks she’s a terrible burden and that I shouldn’t blacken my soul with her worries. Too late for that, I say. I don’t know why I’m so determined to be there but it’s because I want to, not because I’m supposed to. Her existence means a lot to me… and a universe where she doesn’t exist is a doomed universe.

I noticed recently that all of my previous friends had never really complimented me on anything. Somehow, she’d notice things I was good at and brought them to my attention at times (with me of course incapable of accepting the kind words) and was actually interested in finding out my opinion about small things. For most people, these are trivial things but I’ve been unlucky with people in general. These tiny insignificant things matter.

She matters a lot.

 

Writing What I Haven’t Said In Person Yet

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I don’t know what you truly believe about yourself. I don’t even know why you have that perception of yourself and it’s not my place to ask until you’re ready to do talk about that… and it’s okay if you never get there.

I just wanted to say that you’re the first person that’s felt trusting and safe to me. Even if I’m not completely open, you’re the one person I’m sure would be there for me. I’m never ever going to forget that summer where you commited to this thing we were doing and helped me every single day, it was more than I could have ever asked and that speaks volumes to me.

In a perfect world, I’d be able to erase whatever you’re going through because you deserve feeling happy. You are like a magnet in every place you are, even if you can’t see it, even though it’s a struggle sometimes.

Ultra cringe, enjoy.