She May Or May Not Approve Of This Post

I have a friend, my best friend, she’s been mentioned in a lot of my posts directly or indirectly and she’s my best friend, you know… the kind of friend that doesn’t judge your fascinations about serial killers or questions your inherent fear of the subway. She’s the only friend I have and I currently don’t want any more of them.

It’s no secret to me or her online followers that she’s suicidal and depressed. Her blog is scarily candid about the shit that goes through her head.

The first time she posted about her contemplating suicide, she told me not to read it. When she finally gave me permission to view her mysterious post, it was like a rug pulled beneath my feet. Here I thought she was just strange and the dark but hilarious jokes we shared were all fun and games. Nope, it was a way for her to share her reality and I hadn’t seen through that.

This universe that was thrust upon me was scary and uncertain. This person who is fearless and beautiful and so unique doesn’t really want to keep on living and I had no clue about it.

I called her and pretended to be cool about it.

Like… “Oh, hey… I just read your post. Is this true? Why are you rehearsing your suicide? Please call me whenever you feel like this!”

I was trying to be calm and adult about it. I had never really been in a situation quite like this. I had to google stuff and try not to sound like a cliche cunt while throwing inspirational words at her face, like keep on living, it’s worth it etc.

 

Truth is, I don’t know how she does it. I can’t imagine how it feels but it seems vulnerable and I’m sure she feels useless at times by accepting help. She was looking for a confidante to share her suicide with but in reality found someone who would stop her and force her to do something she never thought of doing, getting professional help.

It was never an option not to help her. If I could, I’d be even more involved but she doesn’t let me. She thinks she’s a terrible burden and that I shouldn’t blacken my soul with her worries. Too late for that, I say. I don’t know why I’m so determined to be there but it’s because I want to, not because I’m supposed to. Her existence means a lot to me… and a universe where she doesn’t exist is a doomed universe.

I noticed recently that all of my previous friends had never really complimented me on anything. Somehow, she’d notice things I was good at and brought them to my attention at times (with me of course incapable of accepting the kind words) and was actually interested in finding out my opinion about small things. For most people, these are trivial things but I’ve been unlucky with people in general. These tiny insignificant things matter.

She matters a lot.

 

Placeholder People

My best friend and I talk a lot on the phone. It’s usually about how I’m incapable of understanding basic human reactions, about existential issues… you know, the typical stuff girls talk about.

I’ve never really had a friendship like that. Let me correct myself by being more direct. I’ve never had a friendship like this (I removed the word ‘really’ because I felt like it made the meaning of the sentence less important. It’s very important).

My entire life used to revolve around people that I somehow ended up befriending out of need, out of fear of being a weird freak while everyone else seemed to have the time of their lives by hugging and laughing and making connections with people and here I was, feeling more like this

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Most of my teenage years were spent wondering if there are people out there that I’d really enjoy spending time with. Could I possibly be even remotely open about myself to someone without being scared of the villagers tearing my house down with their pitchforks? I’m kidding of course. I live in a metropolis, not a village, so my pursuers would probably be extroverted club-goers.

The friends I used to have filled a spot that I thought should be taken up by anyone available and my quiet existence filled the rest. In reality, I almost despised the people I hung out with. They weren’t bad people, they just weren’t my kind of people.

Surprisingly enough (and completely by chance), I met my best friend now. Let me tell you, it’s a miracle both of us became friends… me being picky and hardly ever liking people, her thinking I’m out to get her. Turns out we make a good team. A couple of years ago, I never thought I’d have one of those real friendships that Hollywood talks about, the ones where people share their problems and feelings! I’m still pretty fucked in the head when it comes to being open and chill but hey, I’m trying.

So, here’s to my best friend, a real friend.

🙂

Writing What I Haven’t Said In Person Yet

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I don’t know what you truly believe about yourself. I don’t even know why you have that perception of yourself and it’s not my place to ask until you’re ready to do talk about that… and it’s okay if you never get there.

I just wanted to say that you’re the first person that’s felt trusting and safe to me. Even if I’m not completely open, you’re the one person I’m sure would be there for me. I’m never ever going to forget that summer where you commited to this thing we were doing and helped me every single day, it was more than I could have ever asked and that speaks volumes to me.

In a perfect world, I’d be able to erase whatever you’re going through because you deserve feeling happy. You are like a magnet in every place you are, even if you can’t see it, even though it’s a struggle sometimes.

Ultra cringe, enjoy.

General Dread

I’m scared of doing new things.

There are too many variables that I haven’t taken into consideration and it’s terrifying for me. It’s not really a way of living because life is unpredictable but it makes it somewhat safer, to schedule everything in advance.

I’m sorry if I come off as difficult. It’s no excuse really. It’s never on purpose and I honestly feel like a piece of shit. If there was one thing I would change about myself, that would be at the top of my list. I’ve been trying to dare myself by doing totally crazy thing, like jumping on a bus and going somewhere random that I never go to, that’s how rigid I am.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how unfair/rude/selfish/disapponting this feels to you, I know it does and I’m actively working on becoming a better friend.

Reality is overwhelming at times.

 

I Think Everyone’s Mission Is To Push Me To My Limits

I’ve been trying to focus on this one song that calms me the fuck down because it has the perfect harmonies, perfect I tell you!

There’s a tightness around my chest and throat that doesn’t go away and my eyes are on the verge of tearing up all day long. It made for a poetic image this day while I was walking to work with a big coat on, you’d almost think I was French. This is me talking about my day-to-day life instead of rambling on about a loose idea or opinion. This is my actual life, just like the one you have.

Anyway, I have a terrible relationship with my sister. I’m not an easy person to be around when you’re the complete opposite and I know how to make my words sting like a papercut when I want to put her in her place. But I’ve tried very hard to turn this thing we have into something that could work.

I tried being carefree and bright (if you can believe it). I wanted to do fun activities, just so we can learn to become friends. We come from the same background and practically same experiences up until our teenage years. We never had anything in common but the path split up and led into completely different territories.

She thinks I’m terribly insecure about my life. Truth is, I’m very happy about where it’s at… I’m insecure about people stealing my happiness away just because my way of doing things is different.I’m tired of everybody bringing me down now that I’m up. Being down was my entire existence for pretty much my entire teens years. I’m somewhat tired of explaining myself, of justifying what makes me happy.

I don’t have the words to express how confused and attacked I feel.

This post was supposed to be longer, there was supposed to be some conclusion but I’ve got nothing.

 

Human Sapiens Sentient Entity AKA Finding Friends

I’m not a fan of people but I realize it when I’ve found the right one. They’re not a certain specific type but I just know it. There’s a common background of being an ultimate weirdo I guess… not a cool kind of strange. The strange kind of strange.

To be honest, people are a mystery to me. I prided myself in staying as far away as possible because there was (and still is) such a sizeable gap between me and them. For years I looked at them amazed because surely, there was something wrong with them! They had different drives and goals and thoughts, dramatically strange and pointless compared to my own.

The great divide was even more noticeable when I tried to immerse myself and try to fit in. I just couldn’t. I tried to read teen magazines and wondered why the fuck people live like this. It was like waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter that never came all over again… when was I going to be a part of the crowd? Is everyone else also going through a period of self-doubt or is it just me?

Yes, it was just me.

I’ve never been the one to feed on closeness and friendship, it just so happened that I didn’t need it and could function so much better without it… but you still need to have a connection. My few friends had fatal flaws that clashed with everything I held sacred but I had to bite the bullet and accept them because you never know when you’re going to find new friends. Add crippling shyness and social disgust and you’re basically fucked. Breaking the cycle and becoming a selfish adult was a glorious day because I discarded everyone that no longer fit with my real self.

The friend that I do have now is probably the first person I felt comfortable being real with. I might still be a freak but it isn’t easy learning how to do friendships on a genuine level. She isn’t like me in most ways but also is… if that makes any sense. I guess our minds are on the same wave-length and we’re preparing for the nuclear apocalypse together (that’s a joke but she is totally into those kinds of things).

What’s the point of this?

We might be the same genus but baby, we’re definitely not the same species.

That’s for all of you who are familiar with the taxonomic rank in biological classification. What I mean in a non-asshole way is that you will eventually find your kind.