I Think Everyone’s Mission Is To Push Me To My Limits

I’ve been trying to focus on this one song that calms me the fuck down because it has the perfect harmonies, perfect I tell you!

There’s a tightness around my chest and throat that doesn’t go away and my eyes are on the verge of tearing up all day long. It made for a poetic image this day while I was walking to work with a big coat on, you’d almost think I was French. This is me talking about my day-to-day life instead of rambling on about a loose idea or opinion. This is my actual life, just like the one you have.

Anyway, I have a terrible relationship with my sister. I’m not an easy person to be around when you’re the complete opposite and I know how to make my words sting like a papercut when I want to put her in her place. But I’ve tried very hard to turn this thing we have into something that could work.

I tried being carefree and bright (if you can believe it). I wanted to do fun activities, just so we can learn to become friends. We come from the same background and practically same experiences up until our teenage years. We never had anything in common but the path split up and led into completely different territories.

She thinks I’m terribly insecure about my life. Truth is, I’m very happy about where it’s at… I’m insecure about people stealing my happiness away just because my way of doing things is different.I’m tired of everybody bringing me down now that I’m up. Being down was my entire existence for pretty much my entire teens years. I’m somewhat tired of explaining myself, of justifying what makes me happy.

I don’t have the words to express how confused and attacked I feel.

This post was supposed to be longer, there was supposed to be some conclusion but I’ve got nothing.

 

The Many Travels of An Introvert Schizoid

Pangea-ultima

I still think that it’s a mighty strange coincidence that I happen to have all these so-called abnormalities. A sick taste of humor when it comes to genetics I guess… like a black hole with a gravitational pull destined to keep me apart from fitting in.

The first time I realized I was different was when I’d end up in tears every single year on my birthday because the attention and pressure was overwhelming, especially when the cake-cutting was taking place. It felt like the weight of the world was stepping on my throat and I’d try to appear chill about it but it was just too much for me to handle.

So here are some signs that might help you see if you’re an introvert (or hell, you might even be a new kind of strange, please join me in this wonderful lonely place!):

  • You find yourself having a lot of inner dialogue when you’re young
  • Showing even a tiny part of your true personality was just ammunition for the kids at school to make fun of you
  • Being extremely relieved when your friend(s) cancelled on you (instead of you cancelling once again on them)
  • Not knowing how to talk about what you feel to your friend(s)
  • Being much more connected to fictional characters than actual people because it seems like they lack a depth and intricate character arch
  • Wondering when you’ll know to what kind of type of person you’ll be attracted to, then realizing that this came automatically for most and realizing you’re even weirder, once again (hint: you’re attracted to really strange people)
  • Being able to retain a friendship even if you’d never see them again
  • Vacation means only talking to the supermarket cashiers and it feels good, man

I don’t know where my introversion begins and ends but I guess the best thing is accepting that you’re not doing anything wrong. We’re all different. In both bad and good ways. Being informed and aware of your behavior is what counts.

P.S. The title is ironic. The only time I’d travel would be if all the continents suddenly started to collide and form a united supercontinent.